The Little Prince
or A Royal Pain in the Ass
Demonstrating yet again that sexual perversion and criminal behavior are never out of fashion, InStyle magazine reports, “Ex-Prince Andrew Leaves Royal Lodge Early ‘Under the Cover of Darkness’ in ‘Humiliating’ Circumstances”. Here’s an excerpt:
Following more damning revelations about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor from the latest Epstein files drop, King Charles reportedly pressured his younger brother to move out of Royal Lodge earlier than expected—which was “humiliating” for the former Duke of York … Andrew has now left Windsor and is living in “an undisclosed address” … The move from Royal Lodge follows Charles stripping his brother of all of his royal titles and privileges back in October, rendering him a commoner.
Oh, the humanity!
While there is no central government registry for name changes in the UK, unofficial sources report Andy, having bailed from the Royal Lodge, will now apply for a deed poll online through the UK Deed Poll Service, NameSwitch, or The UK Deed Poll Office and officially change his name from Andrew Albert Christian Edward Mountbatten-Windsor to Uncle Louie. Whether he will also enroll his deed poll at the Royal Courts of Justice in London (King’s Bench Division) was unclear at press time.
Since Andy (Uncle Louie) is now in the market for a new place to live, we also understand he’s been in contact with the estate of the late Ted Kaczynski (aka, the Unabomber), to see about renting the cabin in which Ted lived peacefully on Stemple Pass Road in Lincoln, Montana. It’s unclear whether Sarah Ferguson (aka Fergie), Andy’s (Uncle Louie’s) ex-wife and the former Duchess of York, who’s lived with Andy (Uncle Louie) since 2008, will join him in the cabin and/or whether one or both of them will take up the Kaczynski hobby of making bombs.
It’s also unclear how Andy (Uncle Louie) will be able to afford to live in Ted Kaczynski‘s cabin or anywhere else for that matter. His only official source of income is his $27,000 pension from the Royal Navy. His mother used to give him an allowance of $1.4 million a year for cigarettes, gas, and plane tickets to Epstein’s Island. But King Charles (Chuckie) put an end to that since Andy (Uncle Louie) doesn’t smoke or drive. In any event, preliminary reports suggest the Royal Culinary Team will continue to prepare Andy’s (Uncle Louie’s) meals while he resides in the cabin.
Model Behavior
Errors look so very ugly in persons of small means — one feels they are taking quite a liberty in going astray; whereas people of fortune may naturally indulge in a few delinquencies. (George Eliot, Janet’s Repentance, 1857)
If you think Andy’s (Uncle Louie’s) sexual peccadillos on Epstein Island were an aberration, stand by. His history of being an incorrigible rascal and rapscallion started long before he claimed playing Hide the Salami with 17-year-old Virginia Giuffre was his birthright. The charges she leveled against Andy (Uncle Louie) in her memoir, published after her suicide, prompted Chuckie to strip Andy (Uncle Louie) of his titles and to evict his sorry ass from the Royal Lodge in Windsor. And Andy’s (Uncle Louie’s) cause wasn’t helped by the fact that Epstein and his partner, Ghislaine “The Fixer” Maxwell, were pictured at Andrew’s Royal Lodge home two months after a warrant was issued for Epstein’s arrest in the United States.
Say what you want about Andy (Uncle Louie), but he’s consistent. Here’s some of the history of his escapades:
In 1970, at age 10, he was caught in the girls’ boarding house at Gordonstoun. Claiming he’d been studying HVAC, he said he was there to check the thermostat of one of the girls who’d said she was overheated.
He married Fergie in 1986. In 1992, a photograph surfaced of Fergie having her toes sucked by her financial adviser in St Tropez, proving she and Andy (Uncle Louie) were a match made in Heaven.
In 1999, The Fixer, Epstein, and a bevy of young beauties visited Balmoral Castle, the late Queen’s private Scottish estate, at the invitation of Andy (Uncle Louie). Nothing happened after Andy (Uncle Louie) averred The Fixer, Epstein, and the bevy of young beauties knew more about HVAC than he did.
Having dodged a cannonball in 1999, in 2000 Andy (Uncle Louie) invited The Fixer and Epstein to a birthday party at Windsor Castle to celebrate his 40th, Princess Anne’s 50th, Prince William’s 18th, and Princess Margaret’s 70th. Andy (Uncle Louie) later claimed Princess Anne’s thermostat was overheated, but nobody did anything about it.
In 2001, Andy (Uncle Louie) was appointed the UK’s special representative for international trade, investment, and HVAC.
In 2004, he was ridiculed for his excessive use of helicopters and private jets. The press called him “Air Miles” Andy (Uncle Louie).
In 2010, Andy (Uncle Louie) was photographed peering around the front door of Epstein’s Manhattan mansion, holding a bag full of HVAC tools, and giving a younger woman a cheerful wave. An hour earlier, Epstein had left the house in the company of another young woman.
In 2011, an interview with Virginia Giuffre was published in The Mail, with a photo of Andy (Uncle Louie) with his hand around Giuffre’s waist. The photo had been taken at The Fixer’s Belgravia home in 1999 in by Epstein. But Epstein swore on a bevy of young beauties it was never intended to be used for … let’s see … what did he call it? Oh, yeah! Leverage.
The same year, The News of the World published photographs taken in December 2010, of Andy (Uncle Louie) and Epstein on an afternoon walk in Central Park, deep in conversation about overheated thermostats.
Also in 2011, Buckingham Palace announced Andy (Uncle Louie) had lost his role as the UK’s special representative for international trade due to the heavy demands of his HVAC responsibilities.
In 2015, Andy (Uncle Louie) was publicly accused of having sex with Virginia Giuffre — who was then a minor — three times: in London, in New York, and on Epstein Island.
In 2019, Andy (Uncle Louie) was interviewed by Emily Maitlis at Buckingham Palace, claiming his HVAC work was misunderstood. A week after the interview, he announced he was stepping back from royal duties but insisted Chuckie’s boot, which was clearly visible protruding from Andy’s (Uncle Louie’s) ass, had nothing to do with his decision.
In 2021, Virginia Giuffre sued Andy (Uncle Louie) in the United States, accusing him of sexual assault.
In 2022, he was stripped of his military titles, his royal patronages, the title, His Royal Highness, and his HVAC license. He settled Virginia Giuffre’s sexual assault case for £9m, which he contended was what she owed him for HVAC work. He appeared at a memorial service at Westminster Abbey for his late father, Prince Philip. And he wore his military uniform for the “Vigil of the Princes” while the Queen lay in state at Westminster Hall, in which he looked like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.
In 2024, it was revealed Andy (Uncle Louie) had a close relationship with Yang Tengbo, a Chinese spy who’d gained access to the highest circles of the British establishment.
In January of 2025, it was revealed Andy (Uncle Louie) maintained contact with Epstein until February of 2011, including a message that said, “Keep in close touch and we’ll play some more soon.” Days after a photograph was published showing Andy (Uncle Louie) with his arm around Giuffre, he contacted Epstein to say they were in this together. He later claimed he was referring to their HVAC business.
October of 2025 was a busy month for Andy (Uncle Louie). It was revealed he met with Cai Qi, another Chinese spy, on at least three occasions from 2018 to 2019, including lunch at Buckingham Palace in 2018. He agreed with Chuckie to stop using his titles, saying he always put my duty to my family and country first. He asked one of his Metropolitan Police protection officers to dig up information on Virginia Giuffre in an attempt to smear her. It was revealed he’d paid next to nothing to live in the Royal Lodge since 2003. Nobody’s Girl: A Memoir of Surviving Abuse and Fighting for Justice, Virginia Giuffre’s memoir, was published posthumously. It was revealed he hosted Epstein and The Fixer in 2006, ahead of Princess Beatrice’s 18th birthday party. And Buckingham Palace announced he would now be known simply as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and move to Sandringham Estate, where he wouldn’t be allowed to perform any HVAC work there or anywhere else.
What Now?
Considering what an inveterate cut-up he is, no one’s really sure what Andy (Uncle Louie) will be up to next. There’s some speculation, of course. The nearest girl’s dormitory is at Montana State University Northern, only 150 miles northeast of Lincoln. And there are 27 HVAC companies in Lincoln alone. With or without Fergie or bombs, Andy (Uncle Louie) could keep himself … uh … entertained … yeah, that’s it … entertained damn near forever.
Update
Since the original drafting of this story, it seems as if karma and the law have paid a call on Andy (Uncle Louie). This may (or may not) put a crimp in his post-Royal plans. We’ll have to wait and see. And while I’m not a betting man, Vegas oddsmakers suggest the smart money says Andy (Uncle Louie) will be back in the henhouse — and the news — in pretty short order.
Given his track record, it’s hard to doubt him.