Escape From Alcatraz
or The Good Old Days
As many of you may know, Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary, often called The Rock, was considered escape-proof because of its isolated location in San Francisco Bay. Sitting about a mile-and-a-half from the mainland, the waters of the Bay were cold enough to cause hypothermia quickly. Their strong, turbulent currents and tides reached speeds of several knots. Strong swimmers would have found it extremely difficult to reach shore, even without the sharks that patrolled the waters.
Plus, when the Bureau of Prisons took over Alcatraz in 1934, its security features were upgraded to make it a maximum-security facility. It was considered the country’s most secure prison. Cells were fitted with tool-proof steel bars and fronts that were hardened to resist cutting or sawing. The windows had iron grilles. Remote-controlled locking systems allowed guards to operate doors from central control points.
Electromagnetic metal detectors were installed at key entrances like the dining hall and the workshops. Remote-controlled tear gas canisters were placed in strategic spots to deter riots or escapes. Gun galleries were established. Armed guards patrolled corridors. And strategically positioned guard towers allowed for constant surveillance over the prison grounds, the shoreline, and all the approaches, making undetected movement extremely difficult.
In addition, inmates had highly regimented schedules that included as many as 12 head counts per day. Privileges were minimal. Only food, clothing, shelter, and medical care were guaranteed. Everything else had to be earned. The monotonous routine was designed to break spirits and discourage escape planning.
Nevertheless, there were 14 documented escape attempts made between 1934 and 1963, involving 36 inmates. Most of them failed quickly. Many of the inmates were recaptured, shot, drowned, or all three. In the the most famous attempt, which took place in 1962, Frank Morris, John Anglin, and Clarence Anglin succeeded in getting off the island using a raft they made from stitching raincoats together. They bribed the guards by letting them play Spin the Bottle with their wives in the Prison Library while they worked on the raft. They were never seen again. No bodies were ever recovered. And the sharks appeared to be particularly well fed that year.
The only person to ever successfully escape from Alcatraz, of course, was Clint Eastwood, as documented in the 1979 film, Escape From Alcatraz. Clint escaped by doing dumbbell curls in the prison yard to intimidate the other inmates, by beating the shit out of a fat guy in the shower and making him eat a bar of soap, by digging a hole through a concrete wall with a pocket nail clipper, and by concealing his absence by making a dummy out of plaster, papier-mâché, and hair from the prison barber shop and putting it in his bunk. The dummy was so realistic, the guards didn’t realize he was gone until he made Bronco Billy the next year.
You Don’t Know Jack
In the early ‘80s, I belonged to a hardcore bodybuilding gym in Hartford, Connecticut. The proprietor of the establishment had competed professionally as a bodybuilder and made little secret of the fact that the key to his size had more to do with the miracles of modern chemistry than his mother’s home cooking, if you get my drift. With a condescending sneer, he’d refer to those of us who didn’t share his predilection for anabolic amalgamations as pencil-neck geeks.
I was reminded of that when I started to write this post because, with the exception of Clint Eastwood, all the guys who failed to escape from Alcatraz were pencil-neck geeks. How do I know that, and what makes me write it here? Jack LaLanne. And what does Jack LaLanne have to do with Alcatraz and escaping from it? Just this:
In 1955, at age 41, LaLanne swam from Alcatraz Island to the mainland (more specifically to Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco) wearing handcuffs. He was so tough, he’s reputed to have bitten a few sharks on his way across San Francisco Bay. In 1974, at age 60, he did it again. But that time, he was handcuffed, shackled, and towing the Titanic with his teeth. The good news is he made it. The bad news is because of the rope in his teeth, he couldn’t bite any sharks along the way.
You have to believe if Jack LaLanne had ever been incarcerated at Alcatraz, he’d have been the inspiration for MacGyver because he’d have busted out of there using a Q-tip, some bubble gum, and a paper clip — maybe a paper clip. Then he’d have swum across San Francisco Bay using just his ears, with Clint Eastwood on his back.
What the Hell’s Going On?
Contemplating the disappearance of men like Jack LaLanne and Clint Eastwood poses a quandary of cause and effect:
Is masculinity perceived as toxic because more men want to be women?
Do more men want to become women because masculinity is perceived as toxic?
I don’t know. But I do know if men were still incarcerated at Alcatraz, none of them would ever consider breaking out. Here’s why:
They wouldn’t know how. More women than men enroll in and graduate from college in most developed countries. And the gap continues to widen. As a result, fewer men know how to sew raincoats, excavate concrete with nail clippers, and make dummies.
Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women and account for 70 to 80 percent of drug overdoses because they don’t know how to sew raincoats, excavate concrete with nail clippers, and make dummies.
Men of prime age aren’t participating in the labor force. Real wages for men have fallen since the ‘70s and ‘80s, and many young men live in their mothers’ basements. So, they don’t need to know how to sew raincoats, excavate concrete with nail clippers, and make dummies.
Nearly half of all male teens report never having dated, leaving them nothing to escape from at all, let alone prison, so they don’t need to know how to sew raincoats, excavate concrete with nail clippers, and make dummies.
Traditional masculine traits like strength, stoicism, risk-taking, personal responsibility, individualism, bread-winning, and having big Adam’s apples are being ridiculed (except in women’s sports), so men no longer want to sew raincoats, excavate concrete with nail clippers, and make dummies.
Given all that, it’s hard to know what the future holds. But don’t be surprised if Alcatraz is reopened as a prison. Without Jack LaLanne and Clint Eastwood, nobody will ever try to escape The Rock again.
Take me back to those good old days again
When guitars were guitars and men were men.