In case you missed it, a genius named Cody Balmer has been arrested after confessing to firebombing the home of Pennsylvania Governor, Josh Shapiro. Balmer, as some of you may already know, is the head of the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, chapter of MENSA. According to preliminary reports:
Balmer allegedly told investigators "he removed gasoline from a lawn mower and poured it into Heineken bottles he found at his residence" … Balmer allegedly said he walked an hour to the governor's mansion "with the intention of throwing his homemade Molotov cocktails into the residence" … Balmer admitted to scaling a perimeter fence, breaking two windows with a hammer and throwing Molotov cocktails inside … he was aware it was a possibility that Shapiro and others were home at the time and "it was a possibility that people could be injured by his actions." Had Balmer come face-to-face with Shapiro, he allegedly said, "he would have beaten him with his hammer."
The bombing of the Governor’s mansion was initially organized as a recreational outing for the members of the Harrisburg MENSA chapter. Since Ballmer is reported to be an inveterate joker as well as a genius, the members thought the plan to torch the mansion and potentially kill the Governor and his family was just another typical Balmer lark. According to one of the members who requested anonymity:
Cody’s a hoot. Last year, he wanted to dump a truckload of fentanyl into the DeHart Dam and Reservoir, which is the primary municipal water source for Harrisburg. That one really cracked us up. And the year before that, he wanted to float miniature PT boats loaded with C-4 and remote-controlled detonators through the entire Harrisburg sewer system. Yeah. He’s hilarious.
In a follow-up report, a spokesman for the Pennsylvania State Police Department said:
Due to a medical event … Balmer was transported to an area hospital where he is currently receiving treatment. He remains under PSP supervision and will be transported to the Dauphin County Prison for arraignment upon his release.
Apparently parched after his hour-long walk to the Governor’s mansion and longing for a cold one, Ballmer forgot the Heineken bottles he was carrying were filled with gasoline and chugged one. He later joked with police about it:
Holy shit! It’s a good thing I’m not a smoker!
He’s a cut-up, all right.
Who is Cody Balmer?
Balmer was born in March of 1987. By all accounts, he had a normal childhood. He was suspended from school in kindergarten for fricasseeing the class turtle. In grades 1 through 4, he was voted Most Likely to Incinerate Himself. From age 10 to age 18, he was in the Harrisburg Juvenile Treatment Center, in which he earned degrees in Zippo Mechanics and Advanced Pyrotechnics. He also was awarded an honorary doctorate in Conflagrations and was known by his nickname, The Torch. And from 2004 to 2012, Balmer served in the US Army Reserve as a Combat Engineer with a Military Occupational Specialty (MOS) of 12B, signifying he handled tasks like blowing shit up. While some of the soldiers in his unit continued to call him The Torch, the rest preferred to call him Demo and stay the hell out of his way.
In his autobiography, Hot Stuff, published by Blowtorch Press, Balmer described himself as a benign pyromaniac. And while he faces charges of attempted murder, terrorism, aggravated arson, burglary, and aggravated assault for firebombing the Governor’s mansion, he says the whole thing has been taken out of context and blown out of proportion. He contends his criminal history — including theft, a 2015 forgery case, and a 2023 simple assault charge — were the results of misunderstandings.
Court documents indicate Balmer had grievances with the Democratic Party. He applauded members of the Party and their supporters who called for things to be burned indiscriminately, and he loved a sign at a protest outside a Tesla showroom in New York City that read, "Burn a Tesla, Save Democracy." But he was hot that more dealerships weren’t set ablaze and that more Teslas weren’t vandalized.
Beyond that, a study conducted by researchers from Denmark’s Aarhus University and Philadelphia’s Temple University surveyed more than 6,000 people in Denmark and the U.S. to measure something called the Need for Chaos (NFC — how did I miss that?). Twenty-four percent of respondents agreed society should be burned to the ground, and 40 percent agreed with the thought that When it comes to our political and social institutions, I cannot help thinking ‘just let them all burn. But Aarhus and Temple failed to supply matches or accelerants, which ticked Balmer off.
And while Balmer admitted to police that he harbored hatred toward Governor Shapiro and committed the crime just hours after the Governor and his family celebrated Passover, he contends he had no antisemitic motives, and his swastika tattoos are just a coincidence. He also swore he was a member of Robert Kraft’s Foundation To Combat Antisemitism (FCAS) and of Pyromaniacs Anonymous (PA — not to be confused with the postal abbreviation for Pennsylvania).
What’s Next?
In addition to the charges listed above, Balmer may face federal charges since the FBI's Philadelphia field office is assisting in the investigation. Those potentially pending charges may include:
Failure to register with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF) and to get a pyro license from that organization.
Committing a felony on a weekend, which violates the ATF-mandated requirement to wait three business days before committing a crime with firearms or fire.
Using gasoline in an area restricted to the use of kerosene, turpentine, and Kingsford Charcoal Lighter Fluid as accelerants for arson.
Violating the Anti-Loogie Act (ALA) which prohibits expectorating on the property of elected Federal or State officials.
Using Heineken bottles for Molotov cocktails without paying tariffs on the bottles and the beer, which were imported from the Netherlands.
Carrying a hammer without a license from The United Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners of America.
While awaiting sentencing and any additional charges, since he’s been discharged from the hospital after receiving treatment, and since he’s been denied bail, Balmer will be keeping company with a dude named Tiny in the Dauphin County Prison in Harrisburg. Depending on the length of their respective incarcerations, nuptials may or may not be in the offing; although, should Tiny propose, Balmer expressed to the prison chaplain his hope that he can be a June bride.
We can only hope.