Bad Bunny

or The Brawl For It All

Balmy New England in the third week of spring.

If you’re anything like me, nothing makes you more panic-stricken than approaching a weekend with nothing to panic about. That’s why I was so relieved and grateful to learn Men’s Journal is now covering the weather climate change, and it published this headline — “‘Heavy’ Snow Warning Announced for 10 States as Temperatures Plunge” — which carried this welcome news:

A second wave of cold air is expected to see temperatures plunge across the Northeast, just a [sic] days after celebrating a holiday. Despite being over a week into April, well below historically normal temperatures are expected … With a stronger surge of cold arriving in the Northeast, conditions are expected to feel more like a February day than one of early April … Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island and Vermont are expected to see snowfall.

And the secondary good news in this story is that this catastrophic weather climate change isn’t anthropogenic. It’s lagomorphogenic; that is, it’s caused by rabbits, in this case, one rabbit: the Easter Bunny.

Apparently, he was miffed that Easter was held so early this year — April 5th, rather than April 25th. He wasn’t mollified by the fact that Easter only falls on April 25th when the Easter Full Moon falls on Sunday, April 18, causing the celebration to be postponed to the following Sunday. He didn’t care that the last time Easter fell on April 25 was in 1943, that it only happens about once every hundred years, and that the next year in which Easter falls on April 25th will be 2038.

Nope. He was pissed!

“Oh, yeah? Try to find your Easter eggs in this shit!”

The Conversation

Given the fact that the weather climate change caused by the Easter Bunny’s wrath seemed to contradict Al Gore’s contention that we’d all be dead by now because of global warming, I was hoping to talk with them about it. As luck would have it, because both of them were available at the same time, I was able to sit down with them for an in-depth interview. My hope was to cover the weather climate change, the post-Easter snowpocalypse, and the kinds of projects both of them might have in the works. In the transcript that follows, I’m identified as FYV (Find Your Voice.) The Easter Bunny is identified as EB. And Al Gore is identified as OG (Original Grifter):

FYV: I thank both of you for your courtesy in giving me your time today. Since you and I haven’t met before now, Mr. Easter Bunny, shall I address you as Mr. Bunny, Easter Bunny, Bunny Rabbit, Bunny, or would you prefer something else?

EB: Bill will be fine.

FYV: Bill?

EB: What?

FYV: Never mind. Al, may I call you Al?

OG: You may not be aware of this, but since the release of my award-winning film, An Inconvenient Truth, I’ve earned quite the reputation for myself. So, my preferred pronoun is OG.

FYV: Have you seen OG’s movies, Bill?

EB: I’m afraid so. And I couldn’t help but notice that by the time An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power came out, the luster had worn off the OG’s grift.

FYV: Bill has a point, OG. Even though you’re still the Idol of the IPCC and the Darling of Davos, you do seem to have fallen off at the box office. Would you care to comment on that?

OG: Bill can afford to be flip at this point because he hasn’t heard my proposition yet.

FYV: Proposition? What’s that?

OG: It’s an offer, a proposal, a consideration. Were you born in the cabbage patch with Bill?

FYV: I know what a proposition is. What’s your specific offer to Bill?

OG: To have him star in my next movie production and give him 50 percent of the box-office receipts. The film is about the unpredictability of temperatures and precipitation due to the weather climate change. And given what’s happened this week, I’m going to call it Bad Bunny.

FYV: What do you make of that, Bill?

EB: If you mean what will I make from that, I’ll have to check with my accountant. But I just scratched out this math on the back of a napkin: 0 x 50% = 0. If my accountant verifies my figures, it’s a hard no.

FYV: What do say to that, OG?

OG: You two clowns have less imagination than Tipper did when I asked her if her father would use his plumbing-supply fortune to bankroll my idea for cloning the polar bears I thought would be dead by the time An Inconvenient Truth came out.

FYV: Oh, dang! I see we’re out of time, gentlemen. Thank you for joining me. It’s been real.

I had to leave the studio as soon as the interview concluded. But I got a call later from the producer telling me OG and Bill had gotten into something of a tiff backstage. Evidently, Bill was able to take OG out with his patented finishing move — the Flying Double Bunny Feet Off the Top Rope — before Security arrived to break it up. OG declined to press charges. But I understand there’s still bad blood between them.

Bill and OG on the set before their backstage kerfuffle.

The Upshot

While I was sorry I missed my opportunity to ask the Easter Bunny (aka Bill) his feeling about leaving kids with frostbite and frozen Easter eggs, I was happy to have gotten him and OG together, however briefly. And while it’s unfortunate they got into a post-show beef, I was happy OG got his ass kicked. Provisional offers have been made by some wrestling promoters to have a rematch on pay-per-view (working promotional title, The Brawl For It All); although, to my knowledge, no contracts have been signed as of this writing.

Though I’ve digressed a tad here, the pertinent point abides: Thanks to the Easter Bunny (aka Bill) and the cataclysmic, post-Easter weather climate change he’s precipitated (no pun intended), I can relax comfortably this weekend, secure in the knowledge I can worry myself sick, panic to my heart’s content, and shit purple over the weather climate change.

Thank God for little favors.